


Of Car Washes (and keen observations)

by aellasteel



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, but its overshadowed with angst so, car washes, enjoy, im sorry, the car wash basically counts as a character, the ending is a nice surprise so i wont tag it !, there's so much self-projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24171643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aellasteel/pseuds/aellasteel
Summary: when bad things happen to good people and the boyfriend of good people finds outakaRafael finds out about why Sonny does some of the things he does
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 99





	Of Car Washes (and keen observations)

**Author's Note:**

> hey-o, a lot of the things discussed/mentioned are things that i went through and might be triggering for some people, so be careful and take care of yourselves.

The car washes.

When they first started dating, Rafael chalked it up to being something Sonny just _did._ Kind of like the way he would wake up early on Wednesdays to get zeppole for the squad, or how he talks to his potted plants and hums old tunes when he thinks Rafael is still asleep.

Sure, of the two of them, Sonny- beautiful, smart Sonny- had always been more observant. Consistently able to tell, even just from the way Rafael opened the door to their apartment, how his day had been. It's a recurring joke among them how Carisi had flirted with him- hard- for over a year, and it wasn't until halfway through their second date that Barba realized Sonny liked him too.

And although Rafael isn't overly mindful, he does notice things.

He notices the way Sonny freezes the first time he calls him Dominick in bed. They're both sweating, Sonny's fingers tangled in his chest hair, his back arching as he rides Rafael's dick like he was made for it, and when Rafael starts thrusting up to meet him, he makes the most delicious sound, and Sonny's legs are around his thighs and his fingers are scratching and tugging at his nipples and the air is thick and heady and Rafael can't think straight and damnit Carisi's long legs are going to kill him one day and-

He doesn't even notice he says it, too focused on everything Sonny, too focused on thrusting into that gorgeously tight heat, and he doesn't even notice he says it- it's what he often calls the detective- but he does notice when the man on top of him freezes. He tries to think, tries to see why Sonny stopped, but his dick is achingly hard and his mind is all fogged up. He needs to see what's wrong. And then he doesn't have to. Because Sonny's pressing a kiss to his neck, working his way up tanned skin until lips find lips and they're kissing and it's soft and it's easy. He makes a questioning sound in his throat, not complaining just confused, and Carisi sighs, is solemn suddenly- even with Rafael's hard dick still in his ass- and it's nothing more than a rushed whisper of "please don't call me that here, Rafi" and then hes back to bouncing up and down on his cock, and Rafael moans, a rough, dragged out sound because holy shit it feels like he just got whiplash and he's still so confused- But Sonny's swirling his tongue around one of his fingers and then he reaches back to circle it around Rafael's entrance and it's so much, it's so much and he's so close and he tightens his grip on Sonny's hips and slams into him, and he tries to hold out for Sonny to come first but then he's slipping his finger into Rafael's ass and he can't hold out as he spills into his boyfriend with a groan. Sonny starts jacking himself off as he bounces and he's coming just a few moments later. Although they don't bring it up again, Rafael makes the note to never call him Dominick in bed, and that's the end of that.

Until it's not.

Until Sonny's got his mouth around Rafael's dick and they haven't seen each other in a week, their schedules practically opposite from one another, and finally they're together again and Sonny's taking all of him in, burying his nose in Rafael's coarse hair, and Rafael can't get enough, he's swimming in Sonny, and he grabs him, laces his fingers around his head, feeling the soft silver-blonde hair, and he fucks into his boyfriend's mouth fast and deep and Sonny starts to whimper.

He's normally noisy in bed, a quality about him Rafael absolutely _loves._ But this time it's different. There's fear there, and he can't remember a time when he pulled out faster.

"Sonny, baby, look at me. What's wrong?" because Sonny's eyes are wide and he's shaking now, and making quiet noises. Rafael crouches down to be eye level, and he holds his hands out in a placating gesture. He doesn't know what's going on but he knows he did something to make him afraid, and the sight of Sonny, _his_ Sonny _,_ so shaken and scared because of him makes him want to puke. He blinks back tears and collects himself, focuses his attention solely on trying to help Sonny come back to himself.

"Okay baby, breathe. I'm right here, I'm not gonna hurt you, okay cariño. Look, my hands are right here okay? I'm not gonna hurt you. Just breathe baby, breathe."

When the shaking stops, and Sonny finally looks at him with those shining blue eyes, he looks a little unsteady, embarrassed even, but the fear is gone.

"I- I'm sorry Raf, I didn't mean to freak out like that I just- it was good and then I felt trapped and I freaked out m'sorry. I really didn't mean to I-"

"Hey, hey it's alright, calm down Sonny, it's okay baby" he puts his hand on a slightly trembling shoulder and Sonny basically dives forward into Rafael's chest, burying himself there, as Rafael rubs his back and whispers "it's okay" over and over again.

He falls asleep after five minutes and Rafael is left hollow and aching.

_I hurt him._

He doesn't let Sonny give him a blowjob until a few months have passed, even on the numerous times when the lanky detective comes home, his mouth filled with promises of what he can do, and how badly he wants to suck Rafael's cock. Every time though, Rafael shuts him down out of fear. And every time Sonny reassures him that it was his own fault and how he just wants to swallow his damn boyfriend's dick and he promises he won't freak out again.

Eventually he lets him, and it's fine and Sonny beams proudly afterwards, all "i told you it would be fine" and winking "damn you were savin it all for my mouth huh". And Rafael knows what he did last time, but he can't undo it so he just makes sure to never hold Sonny down like that again.

And things are fine.

Really.

They've been together almost three years now. Rafael has accompanied Sonny on more than one occasion to get the car washed, and he knows now that it's not just one of the things Sonny _does_. But that it's something that helps him get through a tough case or a rough week.

He notices more things about his boyfriend over the years, knows the things to avoid, knows that he doesn't like things touching his wrists (when Rafael pinned Sonny's wrists above his head once, the other man almost had a panic attack). Knows that he doesn't mind the dark, but sleeping with a small light on is preferred. Knows that he doesn't like waking up to the smell of breakfast and that he hates taking baths.

So yeah, sure, maybe Rafael wasn’t the most observant person, but he knew enough to know that Sonny had most likely been hurt by someone before.

But he never expects this.

It’s a warm afternoon in July when he gets a call from Amanda. 

He is still at the office, running over what would be his opening statement for a case they had picked up a few days ago, when his phone starts ringing in his pocket. He considers ignoring it- he's in the zone and doesn't want anything to take him out of it- but he picks it up anyway without looking at the caller id.

"Barba, hey listen-"

He reclines back in his chair, "Amanda? You don't normally make house calls."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He can hear her smile, but her easy southern drawl is tinged with worry. "Listen, I think something's wrong."

She doesn't say what but Rafael can practically hear it- _with Carisi._

He sucks in a sharp breath, steels himself. "What happened?"

When she finishes telling him, he's more than a little confused, but he packs up his paperwork and heads to their apartment. It's around five, he tells Carmen he's going to finish his work at home, and this might just be the earliest he has ever left the office on a normal day.

Except it wasn't a normal day. Something was wrong and something had upset his boyfriend, and so he goes home, hoping to find him there.

He's doesn't.

He texts Sonny asking where he is, and gets a reply a few minutes later _I'm okay._ He texts back that _That's not what I asked_ And now it's more than half past five and he's this close to freaking out and he doesn't know where he could be because he called Liv and she said he hasn't come back to the precinct and- He needs to calm down. He feels helpless and Sonny still hasn't answered, but he needs to calm down. If this, whatever happened in the bullpen today, is really affecting Sonny, he's going to need support. So Rafael breathes, forces himself to relax, and he starts cooking. He decides to make arroz con pollo, the best comfort food if there ever was one, and when he's done it's almost seven. The familiar smell of the spices from food his mother used to make, is indescribably soothing, and he feels like he can finally think logically about this whole thing.

Amanda had said there was a man. They brought him in as a witness, hoping to get his statement. The guy spotted Carisi at his desk in the bullpen and asked Amanda- who was walking him to interrogation- if he could talk to the detective for a minute. She allowed it, following the man over, and when Sonny looked up and saw him, he paled, started shaking. They exchanged a few words, most of which she couldn't hear, but she said she picked up the words "condolences", "uncle", "miss you" and "my place sometime". She steered him away, and by the time she came back, Sonny was gone.

Rafael doesn't know what to think.

When they ran the guy's name through the database, there was no link to Carisi, and Rafael has no clue what's going on.

Maybe it was an ex of his. He knew Sonny had dated other people before- men and women- so maybe this was one of them, who saw Sonny and thought he should reintroduce himself. But that didn't feel right. The way Amanda put it, it sounded like Carisi was terrified of this guy, and him leaving work early without telling anyone? Something definitely wasn't right, but he wasn't the type to jump to conclusions.

All he could do was wait for Sonny and an explanation. So he sits on the couch, takes out the papers he had brought home, and starts working.

An hour later, he hears jangling keys, someone fumbling with the door, and then Sonny's in their apartment.

And he looks so _tired._

But he's got a weak smile on and he sheds his suit coat, walks over to the couch (because Rafael is just frozen there) and presses a kiss to his head.

"Sorry I'm late."

And Rafael wants to yell how _I was so worried_ , and _I didn't know where you were_ and _who was that man_ , but he doesn't because Sonny is barely hiding his exhaustion, and it's not what either of them need right now.

So he stands, and gently leads his better half into the kitchen.

"I made dinner."

"I love you."

And then he's being spun around and Sonny's kissing him, and it's messy and desperate, and those long fingers are cradling his face like he never wants to let go, and when they part they're both breathing heavy, and their foreheads are pressed together, and he can see the pleading in Sonny's eyes before he kisses him again.

Rafael can barely keep up, and he doesn't know what's got Sonny like this, but he knows that they need to talk so he pulls away.

Sonny protests, and there's a breathless "Please."

But he needs to know what's going on so he shakes his head, sits the tall man down, and goes to put each of them a bowl of food.

They eat mostly in silence, and he can feel the weight of something unspoken between them, making the air thick and suffocating.

"I'm here for you, Dom, you know that don't you?" Rafael is first to break the silence, and Sonny finally looks up at him with not eyes not fully _there_.

"I know."

He goes back to eating, and the silence threatens to take over again, but Rafael refuses to let it, so he finally asks "What happened today?"

And he's half expecting Sonny to snap at him, tell him _Nothing happened just leave me alone,_ because he looks so close to having a breakdown and Rafael can feel it coming, but he doesn't.

He just

sighs.

"It's nothin to worry about, yeah? I'm guessing Amanda told you something happened. The guy's just someone I used to know and haven't seen in a while that's all." It's almost convincing and if he didn't know him any better, he might've just accepted the answer. But he knows his boyfriend. And he knows when there's more to a story. He decides to put aside that issue for now.

"So where were you then?"

And Sonny, wonderful Sonny, has his trust. He's the most genuine person Rafael has ever met and he trusts him more than anything.

"I can't tell you."

A pause.

"Why not?" Rafael is calm, collected. Sonny's safe and he's here now, and he just wants to know what's going on.

"Because if I do you'll know that what happened might be more serious than I'm saying."

And he's actively avoiding eye contact, and picking at his food and Rafael wishes he could just know why Sonny's acting like this without having to extract it out of him.

"So it _is_ something to worry about. It is something serious, and that guy- you just ... don't want me to know about it." He's hurt. He knows Sonny has his reasons for not wanting to tell him about this, but they're in a serious relationship, and they're both supposed to be there for each other. He's not trying to make it about him, but he wants Sonny to trust him with this, even if it's a selfish request.

"Raf, I ... okay." Their eyes meet, and Carisi's are slightly less hazy this time. "I went to get a car wash."

_Now we're getting somewhere._ He nods, waits for him to continue.

"I went to get a car wash because seeing him again didn't make me feel so good. I- I needed to be alone. I'm sorry I was late and you made dinner and I wasn't here, I just- I didn't think it would be that big of a deal and you're not normally home this early, so I just took some time to myself." This time Sonny is the one that nods, he thinks that'll be the end of it. Except he hasn't answered the question. Not really.

And this doesn't feel like Sonny.

His Sonny is a loud voice and soft edges, caring too much and eyes filled with stars and an endless well of passion and humor and snark.

This doesn't feel like Sonny, so Rafael accepts his answer and calls it a done deal for now.

In the morning he wakes up to Sonny just coming out of the shower, body glistening and smile so bright it outshines any star, and Rafael can't help but smile back. And then his beautiful boyfriend is throwing the covers off of him and biting and sucking all up and down his chest, and damn if yesterday's incident isn't the last thing on his mind.

A few months pass by, and their three year anniversary comes and goes. They're content in the home that they've created. It's easy, and he loves Sonny so much he can barely fathom it.

It's a chilly November night when he steps into the precinct, bag of sweets in one hand, a tray of coffees in the other. Liv had texted him some hours earlier that it was a slow day- those were always few and far between- and that he should stop by before they clocked out. It was around seven by the time he could finally swing by and the atmosphere was the most relaxed it had been in a long time. Liv and Carisi were chatting with Fin on his desk, and Amanda was finishing up some paperwork over at hers.

He announces his arrival by dropping the bag of pastelitos on Amanda's desk, and the other three are there in an instant. There's a chorus of "heys" and he passes around a cup of coffee to each of them, squeezing Sonny's hand before giving him his.

They all make small talk, Amanda focusing away from her paperwork to eat, drink, and converse, and it's nice to have a break like this. They're all comfortable with each other, and he cherishes these moments. Sonny props himself onto Amanda's desk, Rafael sitting in the chair already next to it, and Olivia and Fin pull up chairs for themselves.

Dominick seems nervous, that much he can tell. He keeps glancing over to the interrogation rooms, but he shares a story about how his parents just got a dog and how it's the cutest thing ever- _besides Rafael-_ he includes, blushing, and that makes everyone laugh. And everything is okay. 

They've been talking for almost a half hour, sharing stories about their kids and the happenings of the week when Rafael notices it.

Bruises, light, only just starting to darken, on the lower half of Sonny's face. They're small, three or four on the right and one on the left and it looks like-

_Oh fuck no._

The squad is still talking amongst each other, and he doesn't know why no one has told him yet, but there's bruises on his baby's face, and someone hurt his Sonny and-

"What happened?"

He asks it to the whole squad, he asks it to Sonny.

"What?"

"I said 'What the hell happened'?"

He doesn't mean to ruin the good mood, but there are bruises and he's upset and worried. They all go quiet, and Sonny's forehead creases before he catches where Rafael has his gaze focused.

Sonny lets out a muted "Oh".

The rest of the squad seem to catch on and Liv steps up to bat. "There was a guy today, we brought him in a few months back as witness to a mugging and rape case, and we picked him up today to get his statement as witness to a completely different case." She stops then, like that explains it all, or she wants someone else to continue for her.

Amanda picks up the ball, "Uh, Carisi wasn't the one to pick him up, but he was going to take him to one of our rooms when the guy started getting in his face and ..." She pauses too, looks to Fin.

He sighs, folds his hands, throws the ball home, "I was the closest when it happened, making some calls to family for the case. I don't know what they were talking about but one second Carisi is walkin him, the next second the dude's got a hand on Carisi's face pullin him in real hard and spitting words at him. I get up real quick to intervene and before I can, Carisi here is kneeing the guy in the nuts. Guy's been stewing in interrogation for about an hour."

They all turn to Carisi now, and Rafael's been focused on him the whole time.

Seconds of silence feel like minutes, and then Sonny's opening his mouth to get a word out, and Rafael can tell it'll be some sort of excuse or apology, so he stands up. Stops him before he can. "I'm going to go see him."

Sonny springs up too, and puts a hand on his shoulder, tried to coax him back into his chair, "Please, Raf, come on. It's not that big of a deal I swear."

He pushes past the taller man, and makes it over to the row of rooms in quick strides.

Sonny hangs back and he can just barely hear him mumble something to the squad before he plops down into the chair Rafael had just been in.

He passes interrogation rooms one and two, and though he's never seen the man's face, he knows what he's looking for, and he stops like a car screeching to a halt when he sees the man in room three.

The first thing he notices is the way the man is sitting, legs open and putting more weight on one than the other- Sonny must've really done a number on him.

The second thing he notices are his eyes. Brown and steely, and most importantly, blank. Emotionless.

The rest of him is relatively average. He's got graying brown hair that's swooped back and a mostly gray beard to match. He looks at least a few years older than Rafael. The dress shirt that's open enough to show chest hair and the nice watch on his wrist are unimportant details.

Rafael's not a dumbass so even though he really wants to, he doesn't just barge in there and ask him _why the fuck did you put your hands on my boyfriend_ and _what did you do to make him so scared of you_ , instead he takes a moment to memorize the man's face before he heads back to the bullpen.

The squad is there waiting for him and chatting between themselves, although it's quieter and more tense than it was before.

"Before I go is there anything else you guys want to tell me?" He doesn't bother with formalities, and when he talks their eyes snap up to him.

There's an awkward silence, and he dismisses himself, "Okay then. I guess I'll see you." He walks away, still processing what all of this means, and distantly he hears Sonny say rushed goodbyes before he runs after his rapidly departing boyfriend. When he finally catches up, he's got four empty cups of coffee in his arms, he's slightly out of breath, and the elevator is just opening.

They ride in silence.

Sonny drives them home, and if the car looks like it's been freshly buffed and cleaned, Rafael doesn't mention it.

When they get to the apartment he makes an excuse that he needs to work, and he retreats into his home office. The sound of the shower running meets his ears a few minutes later and after that the tv. His excuse wasn't completely one because he actually does have to get some work done, but he can't focus and the sound of the tv is muffled but it's still so loud, and maybe it's not the tv that's loud, but rather his thoughts, and he can't fucking stop thinking about what any of this means, and the man’s blank eyes are seared into his mind, and there's a knock on his door.

He doesn't say come in, and Sonny doesn't, he just calls out "I'm gonna go to sleep, alright? There's some tea by the door, just try not to stay up too late Rafi."

He grabs the tea a few minutes later and slinks back to his desk. He immerses himself in his work. Doesn't remember falling asleep but he wakes up with a jolt. There's a blanket on him but he's still at his desk, and there's light shining through the small window to his right. He lifts his head from the desk, peeling off papers that were plastered to his cheek, and tries to center himself. He checks his phone and it's seven in the morning, so he's not _late_ but he normally wakes up earlier. There's a note from Sonny among the mess of papers- _got called in, left some breakfast on the table. If you're not up and reading this by 7:30 I'll call you to make sure you get up. have a good day. xo_

He smiles, can't help it, and pockets the note, stretching and standing up to get ready for the day.

The day goes well enough, and by the time he's about ready to head back home, there's a heavy ache in his chest. He puts his head in his hands (he doesn't know what to do about any of this- the man, the connections his traitorous mind is making- but he does know that he wants to feel Sonny's arms around him more than anything).

His door squeaks open, and he looks up, let's out an involuntary sigh of relief. He's out of his chair in a second, and in his baby's arms the next and his Sonny is so warm, and he always feels so _safe_ when they're together, and he smiles into the detective's chest.

They must be like that for only a minute but it feels like hours and yet it's not _enough._ Sonny pulls away to catch Rafael's lips in a soft kiss, and it's only been a day but he missed him so much, and he just absolutely melts into it. 

When Sonny pulls away again, he tells Rafael to grab his things, _I need to tell you some stuff, and I don't want to do it here._

Next thing he knows they're in Sonny's car, and driving in the direction opposite of their apartment, and he knows where they're going, and he knows that this is a big deal for Sonny.

When they pull up outside of _Carisi's Car Wash_ , his suspicions are confirmed, and Dominick tells him he'll be right back, before hopping out of the car, and walking toward his grandpa's old building. From inside the car, Rafael sees the lights turn on and then a few minutes later Sonny's back in the driver's seat and pulling into the car wash. They ride through without speaking, and he can faintly hear a song from one of his boyfriend's cds under the sound of the water.

The effect these car washes have on him is like magic, and the way Sonny's shoulders relax and his face smooths out as they go through it makes Rafael grin, if only for a moment.

When the car wash spits them out at the end, Sonny puts the car in park. Takes a breath. Then another.

“My uncle .... he- uh he used to hurt me ... sexually.” He quickly glances up at Rafael, sees nothing but love and acceptance in his eyes, and looks back down at the hands folded in his lap.

“Started when I was seven and didn’t stop until he moved back to Italy. I was 14 and thought I would be happy but instead it was like I had a missing part. I felt useless and stupid and like- like everyone hated me and everyone knew that I had been a whore- an object for him and he would always tell me he loved me, but there was no one to tell me that anymore. Felt like I didn’t have a purpose. Felt- felt used, an- and worthless.” 

The words are ugly and raw and rushed but he feels like if he stops he won’t ever be able to start again. He barely feels the tears rolling down his face.

Rafael has his hands clenched at his sides and he's trying to control his breathing as subtly as he can. Tries to keep his face as neutral as possible but it's so hard, and he hates how bad things always happen to good people

"I- uh ... There was one other guy, the- the one you saw" He breathes, long and steady. Wipes the tears from his cheeks and continues, gaze even more unfocused than before. "My uh- my uncle he introduced us once. Brought the guy over one night when I was staying with him and they both just .... they took their turns with me." He let's out a sob with that. He can't hold it together but he needs to finish, and his hands are circled around his wrists and he's rubbing them raw and "They did it- I did them for hours that night." It's a whisper, and he needs to keep going,but his wrists hurt- like he can feel them still grabbing at him, holding him down- and he can't stop rubbing at them.

"I didn't see the guy again until a few years later. It was- it was at our church" and he laughs, can't help it, and it's harsh and filled with hatred "He told my parents he had something of my uncle's back at his place that he never had the chance to give to me. And he was so ... so _rough_. Zio he was, he was always nice, even when he was rough, but this guy- Enzo- he was always calling me names and he'd always leave me bruised and- and bleeding."

He's almost done, he's almost said it all, and he's just so damn tired. He can feel Rafael's anger, hopes it's not directed toward him.

"He kept using me until I turned 18 and got the hell out of there. I had a steady job at my friend's bakery, I think I told you about him- Luca. And it was enough to pay rent, so we got an apartment together in Brooklyn. I'd come over to visit my ma when I wasn't working, and eventually I moved back in with my family a few years later. You pretty much know the rest.

Last year right after I passed the bar, we get a call from some family in Italy, told us my Zio was dead. And then just a few months ago Enzo comes into the precinct and he sees me, and makes some damn comments and I- well you saw how I was that night."

It's so much to process, and Rafael's head is spinning and he's making connections, and everything is lining up and he hates it, hates that any of this ever happened, and he needs to be there for Dominick, but he doesn't know how-

He takes hold of Sonny's hands. Stops him from scratching and holding at his wrists- which are red and bleeding now.

Sonny looks up at him for the second time, searches for something in his boyfriend's eyes- maybe anger, maybe pity- but whatever it is, he doesn't find it because the next second he's shaking in Rafael's arms.

"You did so good, baby, you did so good. I'm so proud of you, Sonny. You did so good." And he's cooing at him, rubbing a hand soothingly up and down his back. Sonny is silently trembling in his arms, each breath is heaving, and when he pulls away, Rafael gives him space, but doesn't let go of his hands.

"Yesterday night, I-"

And this is it, Rafael knows. This is the last piece, _his_ last piece, and he squeezes Sonny's hands, encouraging.

"I was walking him, and he starts making all these comments and saying all this shit like _do they know how you whored yourself out for me,_ and _come over to my place I can show you a good time again_ , and I'm trying to hold it together and then he fuckin- He was a witness so he wasn't in cuffs and he just- runs his hand up and down my arm. And I didn't mean to, I was trying so hard to ignore him but I felt his hand on me again and I couldn't- _I couldn't._

I grabbed his arm, told him to keep his fucking hands off of me, and he grabbed me by the chin with his other one. His fingers were digging in so hard and he pulled me so close, and I couldn't think, and then he's screaming at me, except he was whispering, and sayin that I'm his and all I'll ever be is a hole for him to fuck and I-"

He can't keep going, his eyes are screwed shut but it doesn't stop the tears, and everything is too much.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay. You're safe now." Rafael reaches for him, and he flinches away.

"I'm not his, Raf. I'm yours, I'm yours, please."

He's begging and he opens his eyes but everything is blurry and then he's being pulled into a warm chest, and it's Rafael and he can't believe he just _told him everything._

They stay like that for a few minutes. Just Rafael holding him, whispering litanies of _It's okay_ , and Sonny shaking in his hold. Eventually the shaking calms and Sonny looks absolutely exhausted when he breaks away, but he seems more collected than before and Rafael takes that as a win.

"Let's go home, okay baby?"

Sonny nods, and it's weak but it's there.

They turn off the shop lights together, and Rafael gets in the driver's seat when they're done. Sonny falls asleep in the passenger, hand clutching Rafael's. He lightly shakes Sonny awake when they reach their apartment building, and lets him lean on his shoulder until they're in the apartment and he's safe. They both are.

He helps Sonny out of his clothes and into some loose flannel pajamas, and strips himself down to just boxers, throwing on a Fordham Law t-shirt before joining his boyfriend in bed. They snuggle in close, Sonny's head tucked underneath Rafael's chin, and they fall asleep like that.

When he wakes up it's to a bed without Sonny, but he can hear soft humming from outside the bedroom and he sighs, filling to the brim with relief and fondness.

Sonny goes to see a therapist and it's good. A year passes, and he never chose to press charges but the therapy helps and he's healing. It makes their relationship that much stronger.

On their four year anniversary, they have a picnic on the rooftop of their apartment building. It's late in the afternoon- the couple having spent most of the day cuddling and making love. Sonny had cooked up a quick pasta carbonara, and sets out a fleece blanket for them to sit on. Rafael runs downstairs to grab the wine before they start, and when he comes back Sonny is down on one knee.

He makes a speech, stringing together words so perfectly and he's so beautiful in the light of the setting sun, and Rafael will swear later that he didn't cry.

It's yes, _of course yes._

And then they're kissing and laughing, and Sonny's smile is so bright it makes Rafael smile till it hurts and his heart aches.

The next time they go to a car wash it's in celebration, and Sonny smiles the whole way through.

**Author's Note:**

> although Sonny doesn't in this story, I did press charges against my abuser.  
> it's been a long road since then and im really happy and proud to be where i am today  
> i was reflecting on everything thats happened and decided to write this fic  
> thanks for reading and yes, i use car washes as therapy


End file.
